The Friendly Skies
by ilovetvalot
Summary: David Rossi has a phobia. Hotch/Emily, JJ/Rossi Co-authored with tonnie2001969. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Thank you to my partner in crime, Tonnie2001969 for keeping me writing and inspired. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.**

**The Friendly Skies**

**Chapter 1**

Staring out into the black night as lightening tore through the horizon, David Rossi clenched his jaw as he glanced down at his watch. Fifteen more minutes and this team, or more specifically his Unit Chief, was going to shove his ass on that tiny little jet in the middle of a fucking monsoon. Moron!

"Hey. Penny for your thoughts," he heard a soft achingly familiar feminine voice whisper to him.

Lifting his lips in a pale imitation of a smile, Dave shook his head. "They aren't worth a whole penny, Cara."

Staring out the glass wall beside him, JJ watched the rain poor onto the tarmac. "It'll be fine, Dave," JJ soothed.

"Bullshit," Dave declared flatly. "If God had meant for man to fly, he'd have given him wings, babe," Dave argued quietly.

"We're in Oregon, honey," JJ whispered. "It'd be an awfully long drive back to Quantico."

"Three days," Dave nodded. "I checked," he said, turning his head to look at her.

"I'll just bet you did," JJ chucked quietly.

"You know-" Dave began.

"Forget it, Rossi. You're getting on that plane with me," JJ said firmly.

"But it's raining," Dave whined.

"You won't melt, she assured him. "And neither will the plane."

"Have you seen the lightening?" Dave asked pointing at the skyline.

"Do you want me to get Reid to quote you the chances of lightening hitting the jet?" JJ asked, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing outright.

"You keep Dr. Reid and his statistics away from me," Dave growled.

"Then I suggest you get on the plane with us, otherwise, I'll be forced to leave him with you for the drive back. And, I'm pretty sure he has his Fountain Trilogy on cd with him in his go bag…and at least two of your books."

"Sometimes, I could really dislike you if I tried," Dave muttered.

"And how often do you try, Dave," JJ asked, raising a brow.

"Well, there's now," Dave replied.

"You'll thank me tonight when we finally crawl back into your king size bed together," JJ whispered, aware they were surrounded by their co-workers.

"So, you finally decided to forgive me, huh?" Dave grinned, suddenly deciding his future looked a bit brighter.

"I suppose. But if you ever try to keep me out of the field again because of our relationship, you'll find it a hell of a lot more difficult to regain my good graces," JJ warned.

"Nobody knew it was because of that," Dave shrugged. "Nobody knows we HAVE a relationship, Bella."

"I knew it, David," JJ corrected. "And I knew WHY you did what you did," JJ snapped.

"It was too dangerous, Bella," Dave said, repeating his earlier reasoning to her. "Prentiss was a much more qualified candidate for this particular operation."

"And, it helps that you aren't sleeping with her," JJ said, staring accusingly at him.

"I would never willingly send either one of you into a dangerous situation. If you recall, I was for doing this op without a decoy," Dave said, defending himself.

Rolling her eyes at him, JJ nodded as Hotch gave them the signal to leave. "We're ready, Dave."

"You know, if we drove back, you'd have all kinds of time to yell at me," Dave offered. "I'd even sit there and take it," he added hopefully.

"King size bed, you, me and a bottle of wine," JJ countered.

"Fuck," Dave growled, following her. "You win. Again."


	2. Chapter 2

**The Friendly Skies**

**Chapter 2**

Twenty minutes later, Dave sat in his window seat trying to clutch JJ's hand as unobtrusively as possible. "Who agrees to fly a plane in this shit?" Dave bit out, wincing as he watched lightening streak the air outside his small window.

"Dave, honey, switch me seats," JJ said again. "Staring out the window isn't gonna help anything right now. We're in the air. We're fine," she consoled.

"No, nope, nuh uh! If I'm goin' down, I wanna see it coming for me," Dave growled, his eyes never wavering from the small window.

"Nobody's going down!" JJ hissed. "Stop saying that!"

"Have you looked out this window?" Dave asked, his normally deep level voice now high pitched and frantic.

"Dave, you're gonna have to let go of my hand, honey," JJ said, grimacing as his fingers squeezed hers again.

"Why!" he hissed.

"Because if you don't, you're gonna break it!" JJ said, her voice rising as his fingers bit into hers again.

"Shit! Sorry!" he yelped, dropping her offended hand like a hot potato. More quietly, he asked, "You okay, Bella?"

Shaking her hand in front of her in an effort to coerce her blood to begin circulating through it again, JJ whispered, "Fine. Just fine, Dave."

Opening his mouth to apologize again, Dave was interrupted by the voice of their pilot over the intercom system. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the BAU, I'm going to have to ask you to remain in your seats and fasten your safety belts. We're about to meet with a bit of turbulence."

"Holy Mother of God!" Dave groaned, clutching the leather armrests to his seat. "What's a bit, Bella? How much do you think is a bit?" Dave asked frantically as the plane began to bounce.

Craning his head around from the seat in front of him, Reid asked, concerned, "Agent Rossi, are you all right?"

"Do I look all right to you, Genius?" Dave snapped.

Seeing Reid's wide eyes, JJ said softly, "He's fine, Spence. Just a little flying phobia."

"I do NOT have a phobia," Dave spat, offended. "I just don't happen to think it's natural to fly through the center of a freaking hurricane!"

"I thought it was a monsoon?" JJ said, biting her lower lip to keep from smiling.

"Fuck it!" Dave said, tapping the window's glass for effect. "It looks like the Apocalypse out there to me!"

"Who votes I just knock Rossi the fuck out?" Morgan asked loudly from one of the seats ahead of them.

"Bite me, Morgan," Rossi yelled back. "Does anybody know exactly how long this fucking flight is?"

"Too long," Emily sighed from her seat beside Hotch.

"Funny, Prentiss," Rossi growled.

"It's about five more hours, Dave. Why don't you try to sleep?" Hotch suggested, his voice deep and sure as the plane rocked again.

"You want me to sleep through this? How the fuck am I supposed to do that, Aaron?" Dave growled.

"May I resubmit my suggestion?" Morgan asked from ahead.

Reaching down to the go bag at his feet, Hotch calmly reached inside, his eyes never leaving the file opened in his lap. Handing JJ a felt bag across the aisle way, Hotch murmured, "Try this. It worked on the last transatlantic flight I had to take with him."

Holding the object in her hand, JJ unwrapped it from the felt, pulling a silver flask into her small hands. As Dave stared back out the window, his fingers biting into the leather of the armrest, JJ unscrewed the cap. Sniffing, she pulled a horrified face. "What the hell is in here, Hotch?"

"PGA, otherwise known as pure grain alcohol," he said calmly, turning a page of his file. "Trust me, it should do the trick. It has before."

As the plane took a sudden dip and Dave clutched her thigh in a death grip, JJ made an executive decision. Lifting the flask to his lips, JJ ordered. "Dave, drink! And relax!"

Taking the flask from her and taking a healthy hit off it, Dave gasped. "God! I'd forgotten how bad this shit was!"

"Don't worry, your throat will be numb in a minute," Hotch said calmly unconcerned.

"How long have you been carrying that shit, anyway?" Morgan asked, looking at his boss with new appreciation.

"Years," Hotch replied succinctly. Turning his gaze back to his open file, he added, "And I've found it to be better than anything else when dealing with a paranoid profiler who refuses to give up his control."

Ignoring the conversation in front of her, JJ pressed the flask against Dave's lips again as she said, determined, "Bottoms up, David. We've got a long flight in front of us."

"Oh, JJ," Emily said, turning around in her leather seat, "Don't tell him that. Lie to him and tell him to close his eyes and we'll be home before he knows it."

"Tried that before," Hotch said dryly. "He checked his watch every fifteen minutes and started accusing me of messing with the international date zone."

Watching as JJ poured another sip down Rossi's throat, Reid asked, concerned, "How much of that can he have?"

Hotch raised an eyebrow as he said, remembering well, "All of it. The last time, we had to get him so drunk that he propositioned three stewardesses, two tourists, and a great grandmother from Iowa."

"She was hhhhoootttt!" Dave said, smiling at the memory.

"And so the alcohol begins to take affect," Emily said, fighting a grin.

"A great grandmother Rossi?" Morgan asked, looking at Dave with a cross between horror and amusement.

"Hey, you didn't see the rack on grandma," Dave shrugged, reaching for the flask JJ held in her hands.

Biting her lips, JJ's eyes darted to Dave's face. "Dave, maybe you need to go a bit more slowly."

"You never complained about my speed before," Dave whispered.

"And comments like that are why you need to slow down unless you WANT to blow our cover," JJ said under her breath.

As the plane dipped again, Dave rested his head back against the seat, grinning, "Weeeeee"

"Oh, dear Lord," JJ muttered.

Emily looked back over at Hotch and said seriously, "I think your little plan might have backfired."

"No, it's not had a chance to work yet," Hotch said confidently. "He'll settle down as soon as the liquor reaches his bloodstream."

Overhearing them, JJ hissed as she watched Rossi toss the flask from hand to hand, "The man's blood is already half-alcohol. I don't think we're going to be able to rely completely on Hotch's miracle cure."

Leaning over, Rossi propped his chin on JJ's shoulder as he said with a leering grin, "You're pretty. Really, really pretty."

"You're on your way to getting drunk. Really, really drunk," JJ sighed. "Lean your head back, Dave, and get some rest."

Turning sharply in his seat, Morgan asked sharply, "Did I just hear Rossi tell JJ she was really, really pretty?"

"'s okay, Morgan. YOU'RE really, really pretty, TOO," Dave grinned.

Choking on a reply, Morgan turned back around quickly.

"He gets soooo jealous, doesn't he?" Rossi asked JJ.

"Uhmmm…would it be appropriate for me to ask if Agent Rossi exhibits bi-sexual tendencies? Wouldn't that make you his bitch, Morgan?" Reid asked worriedly.

"What!" Morgan yelped.

"Well, based on that statement it seems as though -" Reid began.

As JJ choked on her water, Hotch cautioned quickly, "Reid, if that brain of yours is as big as we all hope it is, you will never make a remark like that when Dave's completely sober!"

"'s okay, Reido," Rossi drawled. My backpack only goes in caves….it doesn't climb mountains," Dave explained easily, taking a pull off his flask again as JJ tried to snatch it out of his hand.

"Did that even make sense?" Emily asked, furrowing a brow at Hotch.

"Roll with it, Em," Hotch advised. "I'm afraid it's gonna be a long flight."

As the plane leveled off, JJ released a pent-up sigh of relief. Finally capturing the small flask, she tucked it in her pants pocket as she said sternly, "David, now would be a great time for you to close your eyes AND your mouth."

Rossi grinned as he reached out a questing hand, patting her waist as he fumbled for the missing container. "Don't wanna, honey," he whined, then said, pouting, "You're not nice anymore. You're not sharing."

Trying to grab his hand, she hissed, "David James Rossi, don't make me handcuff you to your seat."

"Hey, that's my line that I used last week on you," Rossi mumbled, grinning drunkenly as he flopped toward the window. His voice warbled as he sang off key, "Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beer…."


	3. Chapter 3

**The Friendly Skies**

**Chapter 3**

Staring in mild horror at the man she had grown to love, JJ knew that she was going to need more help than the alcohol was offering. Reaching for her purse, she kicked out a foot at Emily's seat, capturing the brunette's attention.

"What the hell?" Emily asked in surprise as she turned to meet JJ's eyes.

"Come with me," JJ ordered, jerking her head toward the galley at the back of the plane. "I'm gonna need help."

Dragging Emily behind her to the bathroom at the back of the plane, JJ grabbed her friend's arm as she jerked her inside the small room. "Hold this," JJ hissed, pushing the silver flask into Emily's hand.

"Jayje, what are you doing?" Emily asked, watching her friend fish a pill bottle out of her pocket and tap a tablet into her hand.

"We need help," JJ muttered. "I mean, David needs help. Pharmaceutical help."

Watching her friend warily, Emily said, "Are you sure that's…"

"A good idea? No, I'm not. But either we knock him out or Morgan does, now help me!" JJ said frantically trying to crush the pill with the pill bottle.

"What IS that?" Em asked, eyeing the broken pill in JJ's hand.

"Valium…and if this doesn't do the trick, I'm just gonna have to shove him out of the plane!" JJ murmured.

"Jennifer Jareau, you do realize you're committing a felony, don't you?" Emily said, holding the flask carefully as JJ poured the pill fragments down the tiny spout. "Drugging a federal agent without his knowledge falls under that list of things that will earn you as spot in the nearest federal club."

"Damn right I am," JJ replied, her eyes on her task at hand. "And it'll be worth the time if it shuts him up, Emily."

Tapping the last shreds of the crushed pill in, JJ capped the flask and shook it violently as she smiled grimly at Emily. "Let's see if this does the job, shall we?"

Opening the narrow door, they were immediately greeted with a rousing rendition of Rossi's song du jour. Listening as he mangled yet another verse, Emily shook her head as she said grimly, "Shove it down his throat, JJ. And if you need help holding him down, just yell."

Taking her seat beside the singing man a second later, JJ held up the flask. "Want this back?" JJ asked sweetly.

Grabbing it with greedy hands, Dave leered at her as he said, "I knew I loved you for something more than your body, Bella."

Looking uneasily to her left and seeing Hotch still staring down at his file, JJ released the breath she was holding. "Just drink it, Dave," she ordered.

Chugging another swig down his throat, Dave smiled sloppily at her. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked happily. "You having a good time?"

"A thrill a minute," JJ said, smiling tightly.

"Not yet, babe. That's later tonight! I want you to wear that red lacy scrap of silk again. You were one hot piece of cake in that one, baby!" Dave winked, slapping a wet kiss against her lips.

"What?!" Four voices immediately shouted.

Slapping a hand against his mouth, JJ hissed, "Dave, SHUT UP!"

Peeling her hand back, Dave tilted his head at her. "What, Cara mia? What'd I do?"

Closing her eyes and mentally counting to ten, JJ ground out, "I'm pretty sure you just outed us!"

"Pretty sure he did," Hotch said from the seat beside her.

Leaning forward to peer around JJ at their Unit Chief, Dave said testily, "Hey! NO judgy judging over there, Slick! Or I may be forced to share that YOU and the lady beside you have been flying under the radar for three months!"

"WHAT!" three voices yelled in the plane.

"How'd you know that?" Emily groaned as Hotch stared at Dave in shock.

"I'm a world class profiler," Dave informed her haughtily. "Shhhh, don't tell anybody!" he whispered.

"Oh my God," JJ moaned.

"AND, there's the fact that I had the room next to Hotch's in Tulsa last month and Emily moans like a cat in heat when she - OOOMPHHH!" Dave said before being gagged again by JJ's restraining hand.

"Dave, you're going to shut up now before Hotch kills you!" JJ warned.

"He'll have to get in line," Emily said grimly, staring daggers at Rossi as her cheeks blushed. "My gun's already loaded and I'm got a straight shot."

Sticking his tongue out, Rossi licked JJ's fingers as he drug them away from his mouth. "Now, Emily," Dave started, widening his eyes as much as he could, "You wouldn't shoot a sick man, would you?""If she doesn't, I will," Hotch answered, his tone laced with steel.

"Sounds like someone's not getting any recently," Dave singsonged, as he leaned toward JJ and whispered conspiratorially, "Should I give him some pointers? You seemed to appreciate that little move I did the other night with my tongue and the whipped cream."

Feeling the top of her scalp tingling, JJ just knew that she was about to have an apoplectic stroke.

"Either you shut up or your tongue never touches ANY part of me again, got it?" JJ growled, grabbing his tie and dragging his face to hers.

"You'd miss my tongue," Dave said confidently, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips. "It one of your favorite parts, 'member? Second only to my -"

"Dave, just stop talking," JJ groaned, interrupting him quickly.

"Can't help it! I feel chatty," Dave said, bouncing in his seat. "Wanna play, "I never"?"

"I think that stuff is having the opposite effect, Jayje," Emily mumbled quietly.

"Yeah, that's right, Mama…Hotch and Em have been doing the horizontal limbo for three freaking months!" they all heard Morgan say.

"Who the hell are you talking to, Morgan?" Hotch growled from the back of the plane.

Ignoring his boss, Morgan continued, "And JJ and Dave are doing it, too. Like bunnies apparently…with costumes and everything, girl! Baby Girl, it's trippy up here! I think Rossi even propositioned me in a round about way! The man told me I was pretty!"

"Reid, confiscate Morgan's phone," Hotch sighed.

Reaching forward, Reid snatched the phone out of Morgan's hand. Pressing it to his ear, he immediately jerked it away. Looking at Hotch, he said balefully, "Sir, she's screeching!" Seeing Hotch's eye roll, Reid said quickly, "Garcia, Morgan has to go. We'll see you soon." Quickly shutting the phone, he sank back into his seat, mumbling, "Too much information. Information overload."

"You ain't just whistling Dixie, kid," Morgan commented, tucking his phone back in his pocket. He then yelled over his shoulder, "And JJ, Garcia says that you are in so much trouble for not keeping her in the loop on this entire new turn of events."

"See what you've done?" JJ hissed, turning toward Rossi, intent on making his life a living hell. But instead of finding his glassy, intoxicated eyes, she watched in relief as he dropped his chin to his chest, sound asleep.

"It's about damned time," she mumbled, dropping her head back against the padded leather seat. Then she sighed as she felt his head drop, hard, against her shoulder and one hand settle over her breast. "Oh bloody hell."

"I wouldn't move him if I were you," Hotch said sagely. "At least he's asleep."

Five hours later, five individuals breathed a healthy sigh of relief as the pilot reported that they'd been cleared for landing. Clearing his throat, Hotch said authoritatively, "Okay, people, we need to have a short discussion here. I know from experience, David Rossi isn't going to remember the details of this eventful ride home and I make a motion that what was said on this plane, other than to Garcia, stays on this plane. Are we in agreement?"

Seeing four bobbing heads assent, Hotch breathed a sigh of relief.

"But what about Dave?" Emily asked.

"You let me handle David Rossi," JJ replied, eyeing the man lying against her shoulder drooling. "Well, after you pour him into my car that is….I have a feeling it's going to be a long weekend at Little Creek," JJ smiled grimly.

As the plane made a sharp dip to the right, Rossi jerked, his eyes opening quickly. Yawning and stretching, he pulled up and rolled his shoulders, popping out the kinks. Looking over at JJ, he smiled widely as he said, cheerfully, "Well, that was good nap. I slept like the dead."

JJ asked carefully, her eyes watching his face closely, "How do you feel?"

"Perfectly fine. Don't even remember a thing," Rossi replied, then added, contented,

"There's nothing like a good boring flight, is there? Everyone rests and recuperates after a long case."

"Well, some of us did," JJ muttered. "And some of us didn't."

"Really, honey," Dave replied, looking at her smugly, "You need to learn how to relax like me… and fly the friendly skies."

**_FINIS_**


End file.
